brokenpurplecrayon

So, my new job is sort of awesome. It’s only been two days but I can tell I’m going to like what I’ll be doing. I work with good people who care about the lives they affect. It’s a small community, so that brings some interesting dynamics, but there’s also some benefits.

The commute sort of sucks. It wasn’t so bad but yesterday was evil. There was a wreck. The road home was closed. I was diverted at least a half hour out of my way … I had to pee (no restrooms on my commute) and I had a raging migraine.

Cor’s in the rehab unit – which is good because she can’t physically do all the things she should be able to do She’s getting the therapy she needs to get stronger. It’s a nice facility – Cor says the food is great and it’s very clean & pretty.

This whole sequence of events has made me realize (with Cor’s help) that I really have to find ways to take care of myself. The last several days have made me realize I really … REALLY suck in that department. I need to figure out what my priorities are & remember I’m not superhuman. I WILL fall apart if I don’t sleep enough, eat right, you know – basic survival stuff.

I’m looking to count the small successes – I got a task done for my teaching job, got 2 laundry loads done, went to Wal-mart & got some necessities purchased, took out the garbage, lawn guy came & cleaned up the yard, and I’m not done yet!!

It’s interesting but when I feel like I’m making advances in this whole “growing up” journey, I inevitably take at least 2 steps backwards and temporarily fall apart. I’m realizing this is fairly normal but damn inconvenient!

Yesterday was a long day. We arrived at the hospital at 8am. The nurse took Cor back just as soon as she sat down to wait. They took another urine culture & ran everything – just to make sure we were good to go. They called me back about an hour after they took her back. She was all hooked up & ready for the ride.

The last couple of days in our house have been tense. I ended my job, we bickered about moving costs & the process, Cor finally did her taxes while I graded finals. We snarked at each other when the other one would interrupt us. We planned to go out to see a movie & have dinner and I had a minor melt down because it hit me like a ton of bricks that Cor was simply physically not able to go out – so I said we weren’t going. She still wanted to go & felt like she was ruining my weekend.

Basically our nerves were raw, we were terrified, and both handled it rather poorly. Cue yesterday.

Cor went back into to OR prep area around 10:30am. Her procedure started at 11:06am and by 11:56am, the big updating screen said the procedure was done & the surgeon had left the OR… and he walked right out and updated me.

I didn’t get to see her until almost 2pm – in the recovery room – where a very nice nurse named Angela was trying her best to get Cor’s pain under control. At 3:45pm, her room was ready so I brought her stuff up to it & unpacked. She arrived about 15 minutes later and it took another hour before everything was settled, orders were given, and we could order her dinner (and breakfast for today).

Slowly, her pain got under control, but her frustration level grew – she couldn’t stay awake enough to do little things and she was desperately trying to make her tablet pick up Comcast tv shows. I left around 8:30pm exhausted and in a fair amount of my own pain.

I talked to my sister, Jodie, on the way home and it was nice to have someone to talk to – even for just a few minutes. I crawled into bed and had a night of odd & sometimes disturbing dreams.

This morning, I woke up and that’s when the flood gates hit. Relief that she’s ok, exhaustion, railing against the Universe for the unfairness of everything, feeling like an ass for getting my feelings hurt over petty crap, and just sheer crying for the sake of crying.

So I’m sitting here, in her room. She’s propped up in the recliner with the personal effects tray extended fully – her tablet, phone, coffee, food menu, chocolate milk, today’s newspaper, the breathing thingy they make you do, and a wrapped up corn muffin all in their positions. She’s hooked up to no less than 4 clear tubes wending their way into one central IV. She’s got the TV on silent & she’s snoring – her mouth moving like she’s having a conversation but no words coming out.

I’m in a high back chair taking in the whole scene. It’s all good.

Where do I start? The last few weeks have been quite the roller coaster of emotions. While dealing with all of the back pain “stuff,” I was also packing up my office & tying up loose ends with my current job. I’ve been with my agency for almost 9 years – in the same department. I’m staying with my agency, but moving do a different county & a different division AND department… so I’m leaving behind all the people I’ve worked with for close to a decade. (Not to mention, doing a job that is significantly different from what I’ve been doing for the past 9 years…)

I’m also leaving all of my friends & connections (in this county) that I’ve made since moving to Florida back in 2002. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to start over and while it feels familiar and exciting, it’s also a bit painful.

Around 7pm last night, it hit me. I was full on exhausted and went to bed. But I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I meditated for a while and the finality hit me. Yesterday was my last day at work. My goodbye party was … unique. I had to acknowledge that I had some expectations that didn’t get met and I also realized that I’ve had some expectations from some of my personal friendships that haven’t been met as well – for quite a long time now.

I’m sure all of this is quite normal, but for me, it’s one of the first times I’ve ever had to deal with this sort of significant and powerful transition. Sure I moved a lot – I went to 15 different schools from Kindergarten to graduating High School… but that was my normal. There were no significant attachments or expectations because leaving and starting over was part of life. In college, I continued the pattern and went to 5 different campuses/schools before graduating. I never got too close, too attached, too bonded to anyone.

As an adult, I’ve had the privilege to rekindle some of those relationships and connections and friendships and they have blossomed into some of the most incredible and supportive connections and I feel truly blessed by them. But this has been the first time that lasting relationships occurred naturally – that I wasn’t reaching out over time and distance to reconnect … this was the first time when years passed by naturally and I was still in the same place, with the same people, and those bonds were allowed to just happen.

So I had a lot of emotions to process last night. I think I finally let my guard down enough to feel that I was in pain. I think this process is going to be something that takes a little while to run its course. Now that the tears have started, they don’t show any signs of stopping … and for once, I’m not inclined to force them back. I’m in a safe place to allow them to happen & allow myself to cleanse & start my new adventure with a light heart unburdened by loss and grief.