It’s raining today – a front must have moved through. I have a headache. For a while, I stopped being as sensitive to barometric pressure & I didn’t get headaches from the changes… it seems, for now, that sensitivity is back. I know it’s got to be stress related, but getting this many frequent headaches is literally a pain. (Yes, I went there.)

I keep vacillating between being ridiculously happy about my life and ridiculously overwhelmed with the process and situation I find myself in currently. Again, I know this is stress, but the roller coaster ride has me feeling like I should either be medicated or taking some other steps to even out the peaks and valleys before I lose my grip on sanity, reality, etc. Quick story – in college, I had surgery & it didn’t go as planned. My recovery was supposed to be 3 days… it took 3 weeks. So, being cooped up in my apartment and unable to attend classes, I started getting a bit depressed. Once I could walk and get around, I went to the health center and talked to the nurse practitioner there. She got the doctor to prescribe me an anti-depressant (can’t remember which one). I started taking it, dutifully, thinking that I clearly needed help. Within 2 days, I became the biggest, baddest, most irritable raging asshole on the planet. By day 4, I went back to the clinic and handed the pills back, sobbing. The NP apologized up and down to me – apparently, if you are only situationally depressed – not clinically depressed where your actual brain chemistry changes – anti-depressants muck up your brain chemistry and turn generally sweet people into walking acid vats. Didn’t know that – found it interesting in hind-sight. Thought it was particularly interesting when it was NOT discussed in my psycho-pharmaceutical course in my Master’s degree.

So, yeah, situationally overstressed … probably requires lots of hot baths and sleep … and packing insane amounts of stuff to get ready to move. Good thing I took tomorrow off work. Long weekend of strenuous packing activity, here I come!

And, for the record, I have an awesome partner. Couldn’t do all this by myself.

Fact: I am stressed.

So, all you logic lovers out there should be able to piece together MY day today. When classes are over tonight, I shall sleep. I do not, however, wish to replay the recent icky dreams that contained people burning alive in them. That dream was unpleasant and required me to physically wake myself up and walk around before I could get rid of it. No want.

I’d rather feel guilty about losing my temper.

The dogs don’t know what to make of it all. As we pack, they wander about at our feet, curious about all the moving and change. I get frustrated after tripping over them after the 5th time, and they take a nice quiet time out in their rooms. I don’t really feel badly about putting them in their rooms, I think it gives them a little sense of security and it definitely saves me a trip to the ER!

I know this process is part of it all but I can honestly say I wish we were through it – done and in our new house already. This part is time-consuming, physically taxing, emotionally exhausting, and expensive! I like getting new paint and floor and furniture but it’s expensive and makes my brain hurt trying to choose it and match it and make decisions about it all. Most of our current furniture won’t survive another move in-tact, so some of it is simply necessity, but that doesn’t make it any less involved or all-encompassing.

Our garbage can is getting quite a workout as well – I’m a fiend, throwing away just about anything and everything that I haven’t touched or used in the past few years. No need to move junk! This is a great opportunity for us to downsize in the “stuff” department – something we’ve badly needed to do for YEARS!

So, maybe this part of the process isn’t so bad, but still – I’ll be glad when it is done!

I’ve got a lot of thoughts rattling around in my head about things – but none of them feel any huge need to come out lately. They don’t take root and incubate like they did previously. Cor and I talked about it over dinner the other night – that I don’t feel the need to overly process things as much as I did before. Its not that I don’t have deep thoughts or insights, it’s just that they come and go with more ease now… not setting up house in my consciousness to the point that I have to pay so much active attention to them.

I also find myself resisting the urge to share “my story” quite as often in conversations. I know it’s a natural urge we all have & in and of itself, it is not a bad thing, but overused it is definitely annoying. I’ve watched the urge rise up in me and instead of acting on it, I just sat with it and watched it for a few minutes. The rest of the conversation naturally twisted & turned and in just a few moments, the “opportunity” to share was gone. I realized that in many cases, we’re not actually interested in the other person’s story, just our chance to talk about our story.

My back got quite a lot better for a while but over the last couple of days, some twinges of pain have been sneaking back in. Not sure why or what I did to exacerbate it, but I’m trying to be gentle and careful. My commute really hinders my ability to go to get a massage or chiropractic care.

I think that’s all for now. I know there is tons more I could write about but my thoughts get too tangled & jumbled when I actually sit down to write, so that’s all that came out coherent for now. Stay tuned!

I am love. I need to provide myself some space sometimes so I can remember that & not let my emotions take over when I don’t want them to. But my emotions aren’t a problem either – I’m allowed to be sad or mad or anxious… they aren’t my identity.

Lately I’ve been thinking I need to be kinder. Be gentler. Be more loving. Not get mad. Not get sad. Not get anxious. When I stop and am quiet, I realize I don’t need to change who I am – I just need to be more in touch with who I am. Give myself some space to be.

Breakfast included eggs, sausage, and some lovely oatmeal toast with butter and honey. I’m still trying to be gluten free as much as possible, but since I don’t feel like I’m flaring any longer, I’m allowing myself a bit every now & then. As long as I don’t have any adverse reactions, it definitely makes my life a bit more convenient.

I’m catching up on some TV – a lazy vice, I know, but it feels good to take a tiny bit of time to relax. I’ve got the computer & I’m sort of multi-tasking (which I know isn’t really possible, but I’m taking my best shot at it).

I have a list of things to do this weekend: pack the office, oil change for the truck & a new door remote, get Cor’s watch a new battery, find a skin/case for my work Blackberry, and make an attempt to do a little cleaning in this falling apart at the seams house that I have been neglecting.

On the work front – I love my job. I really do. I’m learning more every day – not just about the job but about me – my abilities, personality, and how I handle things. One of the supervisors under me has my number – she remarked during a conversation that I seemed a bit “soft.” I laughed. She’s right. I don’t do “hard ass bitch” very well. Sure, I can be firm, but “hard” is not me. And I’m ok with that. You can’t really be something you aren’t. I realized yesterday, that I don’t have anything to prove. And I think, really, that this is the first time I’ve ever realized that I don’t have anything to prove. It’s sort of freeing to know that you don’t have anything to prove – that it’s ok to just be.

I’m going in the right direction. It feels right. It feels good.

I bought some new clothes. My professional wardrobe needed an infusion of new. I got 4 pairs of slacks, 2 jackets, and 4 tops. A lovely lady named Salina helped me. I HATE shopping for clothes, so it was a great relief and joy to have someone actually make the process easier and enjoyable.

My days consist mostly of sleeping, driving, and working. I try to fit eating and taking care of the animals & Cor in there when I can. Tonight is a rare moment when I can watch TV and be on the computer for a little bit.

I now have 2 phones. My personal Android & my work Blackberry. It’s weird having a Blackberry again.

Yesterday I drove for 5 hours. I listened to an entire audiobook. It was awesome. My back hurt and I was exhausted, but I figured out a way to make it work. My gas bill is going to suck.

I haven’t cried in 2 days. This is an improvement. I’m starting to feel useful at work. (Not knowing what you’re doing makes you feel very useless.) I got an awesome box of love from some dear friends. I will admit I shed a couple of happy tears, but happy tears don’t count.

It’s 10pm. Bedtime.

I counted a few more accomplishments today. I installed a nifty un-bumpable combination deadbolt on the front door, bought some decent foodstuffs, and got Cor’s tires aired up. Her car gets better gas mileage than my truck, so I plan on using her car a couple of days a week for my commute – especially on days when I know I’ll be driving to some of our other offices (like tomorrow). Since her car doesn’t have satellite radio like my truck does, I also picked up an audio book for the drive(ing).

Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club had a pitiful selection of audio books available. They were all murder mysteries and one romance. Blergh. I did find one book that looked promising, so I bought it. When I started listening to it, I realized the story is going to be inspirational fiction (but not overt) and I’m fairly certain the author is Mormon. So far, I like it. The author reads his own book and he uses nice, simple, but descriptive language.

So, another day & another mess of tears. Poor Corrine was trying to get me to plan for the move and I lost it. The prospect of her going back into the hospital for hip #2 and me trying to manage all the closing on the new house, setting up all the utilities, arranging the contractors, having the floors installed, furniture delivered, etc etc etc sent me into an emotional & mental tailspin. I wish I had the ability to handle it all alone, but for as independent as I like to think I am, I am very interdependent on my partner. I need her strength. I need her balance. I need her to be what I’m not.

There’s one of those “grown up realizations” again.

The commute sort of sucks. It wasn’t so bad but yesterday was evil. There was a wreck. The road home was closed. I was diverted at least a half hour out of my way … I had to pee (no restrooms on my commute) and I had a raging migraine.

Cor’s in the rehab unit – which is good because she can’t physically do all the things she should be able to do She’s getting the therapy she needs to get stronger. It’s a nice facility – Cor says the food is great and it’s very clean & pretty.

This whole sequence of events has made me realize (with Cor’s help) that I really have to find ways to take care of myself. The last several days have made me realize I really … REALLY suck in that department. I need to figure out what my priorities are & remember I’m not superhuman. I WILL fall apart if I don’t sleep enough, eat right, you know – basic survival stuff.

I’m looking to count the small successes – I got a task done for my teaching job, got 2 laundry loads done, went to Wal-mart & got some necessities purchased, took out the garbage, lawn guy came & cleaned up the yard, and I’m not done yet!!

It’s interesting but when I feel like I’m making advances in this whole “growing up” journey, I inevitably take at least 2 steps backwards and temporarily fall apart. I’m realizing this is fairly normal but damn inconvenient!