feral cat my eye… when we come home she can’t wait to crawl into my lap for love.

I don’t have a New Year’s resolution for 2012 but I do want to make a concerted effort to simplify my life – including stressing less, communicating better, and being less complicated emotionally. I don’t know how to quantify those issues but I know I’ll feel them when I’m doing them right – because I feel them when I do them wrong.

This evening is about warm baths, hot chocolate, and quiet moments.

Martian Hat

Mel on Vacation

We are at the halfway point of the vacation now and I’m starting to feel a little pressure to do some more grading today… to slowly ease myself back into the world of the productive and regulated. But slowly mind you.

Mostly I am trying to be in the moment, be grateful, and breathe.

Plug strikes a pose.

Last Wednesday morning, I woke up really early – around 5am and as I stretched, something hurt. I reached down and realized it was my left breast and there was something big and painful inside – a lump.

This weekend was the one year anniversary of my maternal grandmother’s death – from breast cancer. Last Wednesday was a year to the day that Cor started chemo.  I got very very nervous.

I called my doctor and Thursday went in for an exam. She felt it immediately and told me I needed an ultrasound. I took some comfort in the fact that she said cancer tumors rarely actually hurt, and the thing was so huge that my rational mind knew it had to be fluid – because cancer doesn’t generally grow that big, that fast.

The ultrasound couldn’t be scheduled until Monday, so I was a partial emotional wreck from Wednesday until yesterday. I say partial because part of me had come to a complete acceptance of the idea that it might be cancer. It wouldn’t be a death sentence and it wouldn’t even really be some unknown process – I know all the players involved and we have an entire team lined up that would walk me through everything.  But still – even with part of me knowing I’d be ok, it was stressful.

To compound the issue, one of the new fillings I got to replace the old metal ones has fractured and I’m in pain. So not only did my boob hurt, so did my tooth!  My appointment to have my tooth fixed was Monday at 2pm.  My ultrasound got scheduled for Monday at 1pm – 30 miles away.  I had to cancel my dental appointment and they said they were so backed up they couldn’t see me until Tuesday the 13th. (Did I mention I can’t chew on that side of my mouth at all??)

I lost it and just cried and cried on Friday when all this appointment conflict was going down. My staff knew something was wrong with me – I’ve been told I’m sort of easy to read.  I had to tell a couple of them what was going on so they could cover for me if I couldn’t cope with something or if things got bad and Monday didn’t give me good news.

I broke down and told  my Mother but put a horrible burden on her – I asked her not to tell anyone else. Not really fair of me because how was she supposed to get support – but I couldn’t deal with the inevitable questions from my family. I didn’t want to talk about it until I knew what it was (or wasn’t).

So Friday, I worked. Saturday, I worked (and had a really fun time skating with some of our kiddos). Sunday, I watched Doctor Who and did housework. Monday I went in and worked half a day and then picked Cor up & we headed to Boca.  My appointment was at 1pm.

By 1:40pm, I had an answer, a weight lifted off my shoulders, and felt like I could breathe again. I called work, my mother, and a friend I had confided in because she’s going through cancer treatment right now.  We came home and I finally felt like I relaxed – physically and emotionally (and watched Doctor Who).

I wanted to write something yesterday about all this but it was all still too close – too real.

The verdict is this – I have cysts. Apparently one got really big and painful and that was the one I felt & freaked out about. The radiology tech (who was released to give me results) said I have several cysts right now and that one just got big and angry enough for me to notice. I had a mammogram 3 years ago as a baseline because I am fibro-cystic … but until now, I had never been aware of having any actual cysts.  I’ll be 35 next month, so I think this is just a reality I’ll be adjusting to. She said I probably have them in both breasts and that I need to learn to recognize what they feel like and know that any time I get nervous, I can always have them checked out.

There’s no treatment, no preventative, and no, caffeine does NOT cause them – only increases your sensitivity to them (and I drink 1 cup of coffee a day). So, yay for cystic breast disease!

I’m thankful for everything I have. Cor and I have talked about this – as have my other friends who have dealt with or have been dealing with cancer – cancer changes you. I think even the scare of cancer can change you. As long as it changes you for the better – for the more grateful, thankful, and loving – let it change you.

The diet of the fractured filling

(click the link to watch the video of me on TV for National Adoption Month 2011)