I don’t have a New Year’s resolution for 2012 but I do want to make a concerted effort to simplify my life – including stressing less, communicating better, and being less complicated emotionally. I don’t know how to quantify those issues but I know I’ll feel them when I’m doing them right – because I feel them when I do them wrong.

This evening is about warm baths, hot chocolate, and quiet moments.

We are at the halfway point of the vacation now and I’m starting to feel a little pressure to do some more grading today… to slowly ease myself back into the world of the productive and regulated. But slowly mind you.

Mostly I am trying to be in the moment, be grateful, and breathe.

Last Wednesday morning, I woke up really early – around 5am and as I stretched, something hurt. I reached down and realized it was my left breast and there was something big and painful inside – a lump.

This weekend was the one year anniversary of my maternal grandmother’s death – from breast cancer. Last Wednesday was a year to the day that Cor started chemo.  I got very very nervous.

I called my doctor and Thursday went in for an exam. She felt it immediately and told me I needed an ultrasound. I took some comfort in the fact that she said cancer tumors rarely actually hurt, and the thing was so huge that my rational mind knew it had to be fluid – because cancer doesn’t generally grow that big, that fast.

The ultrasound couldn’t be scheduled until Monday, so I was a partial emotional wreck from Wednesday until yesterday. I say partial because part of me had come to a complete acceptance of the idea that it might be cancer. It wouldn’t be a death sentence and it wouldn’t even really be some unknown process – I know all the players involved and we have an entire team lined up that would walk me through everything.  But still – even with part of me knowing I’d be ok, it was stressful.

To compound the issue, one of the new fillings I got to replace the old metal ones has fractured and I’m in pain. So not only did my boob hurt, so did my tooth!  My appointment to have my tooth fixed was Monday at 2pm.  My ultrasound got scheduled for Monday at 1pm – 30 miles away.  I had to cancel my dental appointment and they said they were so backed up they couldn’t see me until Tuesday the 13th. (Did I mention I can’t chew on that side of my mouth at all??)

I lost it and just cried and cried on Friday when all this appointment conflict was going down. My staff knew something was wrong with me – I’ve been told I’m sort of easy to read.  I had to tell a couple of them what was going on so they could cover for me if I couldn’t cope with something or if things got bad and Monday didn’t give me good news.

I broke down and told  my Mother but put a horrible burden on her – I asked her not to tell anyone else. Not really fair of me because how was she supposed to get support – but I couldn’t deal with the inevitable questions from my family. I didn’t want to talk about it until I knew what it was (or wasn’t).

So Friday, I worked. Saturday, I worked (and had a really fun time skating with some of our kiddos). Sunday, I watched Doctor Who and did housework. Monday I went in and worked half a day and then picked Cor up & we headed to Boca.  My appointment was at 1pm.

By 1:40pm, I had an answer, a weight lifted off my shoulders, and felt like I could breathe again. I called work, my mother, and a friend I had confided in because she’s going through cancer treatment right now.  We came home and I finally felt like I relaxed – physically and emotionally (and watched Doctor Who).

I wanted to write something yesterday about all this but it was all still too close – too real.

The verdict is this – I have cysts. Apparently one got really big and painful and that was the one I felt & freaked out about. The radiology tech (who was released to give me results) said I have several cysts right now and that one just got big and angry enough for me to notice. I had a mammogram 3 years ago as a baseline because I am fibro-cystic … but until now, I had never been aware of having any actual cysts.  I’ll be 35 next month, so I think this is just a reality I’ll be adjusting to. She said I probably have them in both breasts and that I need to learn to recognize what they feel like and know that any time I get nervous, I can always have them checked out.

There’s no treatment, no preventative, and no, caffeine does NOT cause them – only increases your sensitivity to them (and I drink 1 cup of coffee a day). So, yay for cystic breast disease!

I’m thankful for everything I have. Cor and I have talked about this – as have my other friends who have dealt with or have been dealing with cancer – cancer changes you. I think even the scare of cancer can change you. As long as it changes you for the better – for the more grateful, thankful, and loving – let it change you.

It has been a lovely few days here at camp.  It has not, however, been without incident.  Wednesday, I worked half a day and we loaded up the car (and the cat!!) and headed out to camp.  Despite my fears, Puddy cat has done amazingly well here at camp and she will be joining us every weekend from now on. It makes life much easier since I can administer her blood pressure medication here & we don’t have to worry about getting home early to make sure she doesn’t go too long without meds.  Also, I don’t have to board her and deal with all that expense and anxiety about her being in a little metal cage with no window and no love.  (She’s currently curled up on the bed with me, blissfully purring away.)

Wednesday night I fired up my netbook and taught my 7pm class successfully. My 9pm class, however, did not go as well. The internet fritzed out about 5 minutes before I planned to end class. No harm, no foul for my students, who still got full credit, but it was one of those straws on the camel’s back for me. I hate teaching at camp because my little netbook has a poor connection to the internet and the wifi out here can be spotty at times anyway.  It makes coming out here early in the week very anxiety provoking for me.

Cor went and helped the boys with the Thanksgiving day prep while I taught – she chopped an entire 10lb bag of onions herself – and all the boys were extraordinarily grateful because they were tear producing!!

Thursday was filled with food, friends, laughter and love.  We had a lovely communal Thanksgiving meal (complete with real place settings!!), a lovely campfire, and we were very thankful for all we had.

Friday, I sat down to do some grading and take some trainings for work and poof – there went the internet again. That was it. I got up, told Cor that I wanted to do the unthinkable… I wanted to go to Walmart on Black Friday.  Luckily, one of the only Walmarts nearby is in Sebring, Fl – a tiny little berg just up the road from camp.  So we toddled off to Black Friday in the backwater of Florida and I bought a new laptop.  (Seriously, they only had one type of laptop available – luckily it was a Toshiba & has worked out very nicely.)  We did a little shopping and then ate at Bob Evans – and we both drank 2 cappuccinos each!!  We came back to camp, went & played bingo, then Cor napped while I went out to the back 40 for a huge bonfire.

Today, I broke out the new computer and did some grading. Cor did a little weekend cooking and Camp celebrated the start of the Christmas season with our very own version of Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade – complete with Santa and Mrs. Claus!  I switched our C-9 lights out from red, orange & yellow to red, green & white.  I staked out some rope lights with the candy cane stakes Cor bought – so now our site is cheery and bright.  We had our normal Saturday night potluck with the rest of the boys and in a couple of hours, the Saturday night disco thumpa thumpa will begin.

Tomorrow, we’ll rest, nap, socialize, and then pack up to head home.  I’ve needed this break and am seriously contemplating looking at my calendar to take some additional time off before the holidays. I need the mental down time.

In random news – I finished reading Out of Oz by Gregory Maguire.  I am not entirely sure what to say about the series.  I enjoyed many parts of it and others were tedious. There are too many loose ends Maguire leaves loose throughout the book for me to feel very comfortable with. I get that he was working with Baum’s world and took liberties to make it his own, but he introduces ideas and never goes anywhere with them. I think I would have been a little more satisfied with his series/ending if he had taken a little more risk and given some closure to the story. As it is, you’d never know this book is meant to be the end of a series – it is left wide open for another book to follow.

In other random television news – if you don’t follow me on Facebook (is anybody NOT on Facebook these days?) – you might not have realized that I found a new TV show I like. Actually, it’s not new at all, but I just found it, so I’m all enamored as if it were new. Which, I’m glad it isn’t because I have 6 whole seasons of it to watch!  It’s Doctor Who – the 2006 to now incarnation, not the one from the 1970s. After we found the back seasons on Playstation Network, we thought it might be cheaper to buy each season on DVD, rather than pay $2 for each episode. Wrong. On Amazon.com, one season retails at $80 … on sale for $40.  Each season has 13 episodes at $2 each is $26 for a season that I can save on a memory card.  You do the math. No DVDs for us.

Finally, I really am truly grateful for all the good things I have going on in my life right now. Cor and I talked about how intensely stressed I’ve been for the past year. It’s been really difficult, and with her upcoming surgeries, I will probably continue to be stressed… but we’re taking steps to take care of ourselves & remember to be grateful. I’m grateful for all the blessings I have – especially the people I love.

I sat inside the RV waiting while Cor got her exam and the whole time, I was fascinated by the big rig – asking questions about how it handled on the road and imagining it as a fully decked out recreational vehicle – not a lab on wheels. I didn’t particularly think it was a special day, other than the fact that Cor was finally getting her exam done.

Well it was quite a special day – probably the day that saved her life. So to say I have gratitude for her company that brought in the van that day is a bit of an understatement. It isn’t every day your employer is responsible for saving your life.

The year has been … eventful … which most of you will realize is the biggest understatement of all. We’ve gained so many new friends and connected with so many people that the cup of love seriously runneth over. We seem to have lost some along the way as well, which I guess has to be expected when you go through a life changing event. It is never easy to find yourself at odds with people you love – especially when so much changes so quickly that you’re left with your head spinning, wondering to yourself “what happened?”

Cor’s still got at least 3 more surgeries looming ahead, so we’re not done… but what a difference a year can make. Thank you for the love and support – no matter how big or how small. It was noticed and appreciated.

The weather has officially changed here in South Florida and the winds have kicked up with a ferocity that makes me giggle with delight. The temperature has dropped just enough that makes wearing long sleeves comfortable. Between the keen of the wind in the black olive trees in the front yard and the super delicious comfort of the bed with my favorite napping micro blanket, I had no hope of staving off the nappies.

Luckily, I had a marvelous snuggle nap buddy with whom I was able to relish this delicious naptime moment.

• Sick days
• Ice packs
• Social media
• Remote access to work computer
• Virtual classrooms
• Grass-fed beef hamburgers wrapped in romaine lettuce leaves
• Kindle
• Wonderful & fascinating friends
• Fur babies
• My sweet partner who tries to take care of me when she’s in her own pain.

The house is quiet again, now before the bustle of getting ready for the day starts. The dogs are dozing – content that their family is safe. The cat is watching the birds & community cats from her perch on the bed, through the safety of the bedroom window.  The other cat is probably in the back room lounging in the sunlight that streams in through the sliding glass door in the mornings.

It’s a good day.

I’ve lived in Florida for a decade now. I have worked at the same agency for 8 years. Thanks to Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with people from my childhood. I have very real people in my life who love and care about me.

Let me be clear when I tell you this BLOWS MY MIND!

Until my senior year of high school at the age of 17, I hadn’t had a friend for longer than a year or two, before I had to move. I will never know the concept of having a friend since Kindergarten or knowing what it feels like to grow up with the same group of friends throughout childhood.

My family and I are healing old fractures – those pains might never completely go away, but we’re committed to one another.  Granted, I know my story is not unique and I am incredibly grateful for all the blessings in my life.

I think the connections in our lives are the most important things we have.  I can have money or success or things… but if I don’t have those I love to share them with, what do I really have?

I am rich because of my connections. I am blessed because of love. I am not the best friend or relative – I’m sure I should communicate more often, better… I should write more, visit more, call more, etc.  I tend to get caught up in my own life, my own wants & needs, and my own “stuff.”  I take those connections for granted sometimes.

So, I hope you know that I still cherish the love you send and I send it back… even if it’s kind of quiet and less obvious at times.

emotionally and financially anyway.

so, impermanence has its benefits … one being that finances are never static and neither are emotions. and they say pain doesn’t have a memory (some would argue that point).

beyond that, well, i can honestly say that i feel extraordinarily blessed. i never thought before that i’d be grateful to be in debt up to my eyeballs. i never thought before that i’d be grateful to be capable of working to exhaustion. i never thought before that i’d be grateful for my frustration at all the “first world problems” i have … simply because by having them, it illustrates to me exactly how blessed i truly am.

so despite it all, i still sing. as long as i can sing, i know i am still doing ok.