i don’t like being angry
It seems whenever I am going through a particularly reflective time in my life, a personal growth spurt if you will, I turn to journalling. This has never (and probably will never) be a true “blog” – a well written, topic or article based publication meant to entertain or inform – even when I do write subject based entries, they always end up being personal accounts or musings.
I find myself in a reflective mood this morning, contemplating all that I need to get done to get myself to work and then off to camp for the weekend (and grading – I MUST grade finals!)…. and I keep thinking about the fact that I still get so caught up in the stress of work and the anger of not having control over all aspects of the processes in play.
I’ve always told Sweetie that I have a “dark side” – that I am capable of anger and even violence, and that I work very hard to keep those parts of me in check. I watched them play out with my parents and I’ve done my personal battles – I have no interest in unleashing them. I don’t want to deny those feelings per se, they are part of me and, have on occassion, protected me. But to get shaking mad over something that, in the grand scheme of things, will be inconsequential in a year (or less) is what I still try to fight.
I never did get back to meditating like I posted about the last time I was here. I have every intention of doing it, and then I don’t. I haven’t been to Tai Chi in months – probably closer to a year or more now that I haven’t been in regular practice. My exercise is basically nil, though I am trying to make conscious choices to eat better. And my stress levels have basically been at defcon red alert over the past 6+ weeks. I have snippets of relaxation at camp, and other moments during the week, but I ramp back up as soon as the pressure builds and I start focusing on deadlines and goals.
I try taking stock of my gratitudes, looking at the positives, seeing the “problem” from other angles, and yes, they all calm me down eventually. But how to prevent that switch from flipping in the first place is my dilemma. How do I prevent the trigger from activating that flood of toxic brain chemistry?
And one step further (far in the future) … can I help other people prevent it in themselves?
1sylrayj
wrote on 16 July 2010 at 12:28
Can you pre-do the situation that ticks you off, and check for where you could redirect your anger? Like when you’re stuck waiting for an urgent package that was promised to you an hour ago, and someone else is asking about that report inside, you’ll be able to consider when your temper flares, what made it flare, what you could say, what you could do (like find a different delivery service), and practice it in your imagination. One of my triggers is being expected to drop everything 5 minutes after I got to sit down and do my own thing again. I’m trying to remind myself of where things are improving, and come up with ideas for how to reduce the need for my direct involvement.
2snack
wrote on 27 July 2010 at 20:44
sometimes that works for me – but sometimes it backfires & just puts me into a mindset to project all my fear & anxiety & anger.