brokenpurplecrayon

I know the question.  I know the problem.  But I don’t know what the answer is.

I’ve got this emotional cycle (yes, perhaps it is hormonal in nature) where I feel confident, self-assured, loved, and overall pretty damn happy with myself and the world around me.  And then, there’s the ‘down’ side where I start to feel like I’m not getting the amount of love, attention, affection, and connection that I need to maintain the happy.  I completely recognize that this is cyclical and not really tied into anything anyone else does or says, but I go through it nonetheless.  When I’m ‘up’, little random negative events roll off my back.  When I’m ‘down’, I get all dejected and rejected and hurt when the same type of events occur.

So, then we start the really asinine cycle of questioning: why do I need so much external validation?  why can’t I be strong like other people and not care what anyone else thinks?  why do I have to be so needy?  Until it gets to a point where I can’t stand to even be around myself.  But, of course, that’s all I’ve really got by then (because nobody else wants to be around me either) and I either cry and let it all out, or I ignore it until it goes away.  And the next day, I’m just fine and probably back on the ‘up’ swing of the cycle.

Disclaimer: Now, from what I know of emotional/mental health, I can say, with great assurity, that my highs and lows are gentle rolling hills & not huge peaks and valleys – no depression or mania here – just a recognition of how my emotions plot from my general ‘baseline’.

But today is a low day.  A low day where little things are causing me to question my abilities and whether or not people really do love me, or if they’re just humoring me most of the time.  And I have to say, for someone like me, who is overall very sensitive and pretty much on the ‘extra’ end of extroversion (thank you personality tests), it’s a fairly uncomfortable place to be, out here all by myself.