brokenpurplecrayon

the bane of an open natured person is knowing when it is in their best interest to not be as open. this is yet another one of the lessons the universe has put in my path recently.

i’m one of those people that you’ll meet and in one meeting, you will probably know more about me than you’d know about someone you might work with every day. (that is, assuming you *want* to know about me when we meet… i don’t just walk up and tell strangers my life story) i’m open like that. you ask me a question & i’m pretty good about giving a complete and thorough answer. i’ll even volunteer details i think *might* be important.

but sometimes, an open person comes in contact with a manipulative person. that person likes details, likes information, and even better, likes to be in control of the flow of said information. and in a lot of instances, they’ll use that information to further themselves in some way. (really – we all do this on some level but i’m talking about the end of the spectrum that takes this beyond normal informational processing)

add some good natured naivety to that openness and you get me. (don’t get me wrong, i can lie if i have to – but anyone who knows me, realizes i’m not good at it for any extended period of time. my emotions will give me away in the end.)

cor pointed out today that i fluctuate between two extremes. either i’m optimistic and happy and zen, or i’m guarded and anxious and miserable. so i’m trying to learn to balance. i’m trying to learn how to balance being optimistic, happy, loving, open, and trusting, with selectivity, wisdom, knowledge, and acceptance.

i’m trying to remember that people’s behavior reflects *their* life – not anything about me. manipulation is a survival mechanism. it becomes instinct. most of our interpersonal behaviors are trained within the first few years of life. if passive aggressive behaviors get you what you need, you continue to use them – and develop new ones! if manipulation works, you use it. if speaking out works, if hiding works, if making peace works – you use those skills.

my skill was to accept those who tried to control me, especially when i felt or sensed they were closed to any sort of meaningful positive confrontation. translation: if throwing a fit or railing wasn’t going to help them see my point of view, i just stopped doing it. i’m trying to learn that i do NOT have to accept tyranny in any form. i also learned very early to play things relatively safe. i’m trying to learn to take more risks – to encourage myself to grow and live up to some of my potential.

.:{brokenpurplecrayon}:.