I had too many moments today that made me frustrated. Instead of rehashing or over-thinking them, I present you with this sunflower from our backyard.
“Just try to stay as relaxed as possible,” the chiropractor says as he gently cradles my head in his hands. He twists my neck to the side and I know what’s coming and that knowing inevitably causes me to tense my muscles. He quickly and sharply twists and every piece and part and God-knows-what in my neck makes a horrible cracking and crunching noise as everything aligns. Already I can feel the headache coming on, despite the traction, and the alignment.
As I’m leaving the office, I notice the weather has grown dark and it is raining. My cell phones, both of them, chirp at the same time. Severe weather warnings blink across the top: Tornado warning, take shelter. I walk out to my truck and climb in then click open the map. Yep, that covers my entire drive home.
Believe it or not, I had a good day today. I taught my last seminar of the term (insert cheering audience doing the wave here), I got a ton of stuff at work accomplished, and I’m going to bed before 9pm. Of course, I do have that headache which is now in full blown raging mode, but I am blessed in ways I can’t begin to count.
I also started a new audio book today: Matched by Ally Condie. I don’t know much about it other than it is part of a trilogy about a dystopian society set in the future. The website shows that apparently it’s quite a popular series (that I had never heard of) and it looks like it is or will be a movie as well. The writing is simple and clean and I enjoy listening to the woman who reads the audio version of it – she’s got an expressive voice.
I listened to a meditation/hypnosis program the other night before I went to bed. It made me laugh because I have never thought of myself as someone who could be hypnotized. The first night I found that I drifted off during the recording and dozed for about 5-10 minutes of the 30 minute program. I snickered at the language the guy used. “When you hear me say ‘deep sleep’ you will find yourself getting relaxed more deeply every time you listen to this program.” He says it at least 4 times during the recording. That first night it annoyed me. The second night, apparently, I only heard it once because I woke up at the end of the recording with him saying “5, 4, 3, 2, 1, wake up, wide awake!” …. which means I took the suggestion, and hard, about 10 minutes into the program. Color me hypnotized. I haven’t listened to it again. Part of me is intrigued and the other part of me is a little freaked out.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately that I wanted to take a break from social media. Actually, I think I was waiting until I had a good excuse. Well, I think I found one. It’s Lent season – when sometime practitioners and the faithful dutifully party hardy on Fat Tuesday and then make their annual sacrifice on Ash Wednesday – and hopefully keep it until Easter. The faithful are doing it to parallel Jesus’ stint in the desert where he fasted and prayed for 40 days and nights. My reasons too are of a spiritual nature though nothing as grueling as fasting for that long in the desert … I just want to make some spiritual space in my life to remember to take care of myself and the relationships that nourish my soul.
I recently listened to the Celestine Prophecy on audio book – I read it back in college, but now has been a nice time in my life to revisit the concepts and lessons. I also listened to Eckhart Tolle’s meditations on the Power of Now, which was a nice confirmation and reminder that I’ve been operating lately – actually for close to a year now – in a very unconscious place. I have hurt myself and others because of it – and it is not who I am (or who I want to be).
I have neglected relationships, I have neglected myself, and I have been someone that I haven’t recognized – to the point that my partner even called me out on it using those words! (eep) The last week or so I’ve felt far more “me” and it’s like returning home. It feels good and I didn’t realize how much I missed it. So it feels right to keep the momentum going and make that space for myself to continue finding my way “home.”
I’ve already stepped significantly away from Facebook, which is my main social networking platform, and I’ve fallen off on most others as a natural course. I would, however, like to post more blog/journal posts. I want to write and I haven’t given myself the space or time to do that, so maybe this will make some time. I also want to walk and I want to get back on my bicycle. I just finished listening to Haruki Murakami’s memoir about running and while I am no runner, it did remind me that I like being an amateur cyclist. I’m currently not in shape to cycle, but it would only take a few weeks of walking to get me there.
I’m trying to tap back into my intuition and trust my heart when it says to do something – and the more I think about this decision, the more “right” it feels. I welcome all emails and messages – I would like to get back to having actual discussions with people again – instead of just commenting and “liking” random snippets of life. I am an extrovert by nature but I am learning that I have a significant introverted side that is either developing or emerging and I am coming to recognize that it is a rather significant part of what I like to identify as my “sanity.”
I will cross post my journal/blog entries to social media for the sake of convenience for others – not everyone likes to follow blogs directly, so if you’d like to read my ramblings, you are more than welcome to and of course, I do welcome commentary and discussion on them. If not, you are welcome to lurk & just keep track of me, and if you’re not into reading blogs, I’m sure I’ll return to social media in some form or fashion in the future.
One of my loves wrote a blog post today and his beloved posted the following picture on facebook:
How often do we lament our flaws and fear the parts of ourselves that we haven’t yet embraced? I know lately, for me, I’ve debated the idea of deleting myself from all social media. I have nothing to say. I don’t feel that anything I do have to say is worth saying or that anyone would listen if I said it. (pity party much?)
Of course I know I’m under stress (common theme in most of my posts lately – I realize it’s tiring, that’s why there haven’t been many posts). Stress taxes my social skills and self-confidence.
Side note: I am an extrovert. Yes, I know you’re shocked. But seriously, the older I get, the more introverted I become. Maybe it’s maturity. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe I’m slowly letting go of my ego? But in any case, I need more and more quiet time; more time to be alone with my thoughts; more time away from people, to maintain my sanity and emotional well-being.
But what parts of ourselves are truly flawed? The answer is none. Every part of us makes up the whole and the whole is, by inherent nature, perfect. I don’t mean perfect in the sense that we have no room to grow and improve, but perfect in the idea that each snowflake has its own shape and growth pattern. We are not flawed, our internal mirror is cracked. Our perception of ourselves is flawed.
I truly think loving ourselves, authentically and completely, is harder than loving anyone else.
Sometimes, no news, is better for your mental health. Yours I mean, not necessarily mine. I’ve been losing my mind in stress lately. I got myself caught into a vicious loop of being more focused on the stress than on how to handle the stress. I highly discourage that particular route – it’s not beneficial and it might quite literally kill you. (I’m sure it could happen.)
As it stands, my fibro went into overdrive – I feel like I’ve been beaten with baseball bats, I have acid reflux like nobody’s business, and I walk around *that* close to tears. Clearly not the kind of place I’d choose to be in emotionally… and yet, that’s exactly what I keep doing by focusing on the stress & what I don’t like in my life.
I’m going with the idea that I needed to experience this – because there’s no real way to learn this lesson without living it. I am an experiential learner – much to my own detriment at times.
So here’s to letting things be. Not getting so caught up in what I don’t want in my life, but putting what I do want out there & letting it happen.