I had to find this image today and post it as a reminder to myself. I’ve been in a very stressful situation lately and unfortunately, stress is one of the key forces that sends me into Unconsciousness. I’ve not been the person I strive very hard to be lately. I’ve been unkind and said things I can’t take back. I don’t know the extent of whom I have offended, but it was brought to my attention that I have offended. I’m having a really hard time finding a place of forgiveness for myself.
I have little to no difficulty in forgiving others. I just chalk it up to them being Unconscious and not knowing better. Even if it is only a temporary lapse. The people who matter to me, the ones I would find myself in a place of needing to forgive, I know their hearts. They’re all loving people who have occasional lapses in consciousness. No problem. I can usually forgive them really easily.
So why can’t I do that for myself? (I know this is a rhetorical question, but I do talk to myself…) I know part of the answer is that I keep worrying about other people’s opinions of me. I’d love to be like Anthony Hopkins in this aspect, but I know that I’m not quite there yet.
I do care what people think. But I realize that right now, I’m making up stories in my head to fill in those blanks. I’m making Assumptions. Don Miguel Ruiz already taught me this is counter-productive to where I want to be:
But see that #1 rule? Yeah, that’s the one I violated. So I’m not proud of myself. I’m feeling like an ass and beating myself up because the reality is - I knew better. I feel like if I try to say, “I was stressed. I was Unconscious,” it’s like I’m trying to make excuses. Is it true? Yes. Does it still feel like an excuse? Yes. So I don’t like it.
But then I read #4 – Always Do Your Best and I realize that I really was doing the best I could at that moment. I’m still not proud of it and it was not, by far, my Best best …. but it was all I had in the moment. And I’m sorry for it.
So here I am. Trying to figure out how to forgive myself, because I do know, that if I stay in this Wounded Animal place of pain and fear, I am not being my best Me, and my best me is a pretty awesome person most of the time.