brokenpurplecrayon

I really have nothing to say – but I have a need to write, so I’m writing. I want to take pictures, to write, to document the moments of my day, but I get so busy that by the time I sit down at night and realize I didn’t take one picture or tuck one random snippet away in my memory… it’s too late to go back.

It’s raining today – a front must have moved through. I have a headache. For a while, I stopped being as sensitive to barometric pressure & I didn’t get headaches from the changes… it seems, for now, that sensitivity is back. I know it’s got to be stress related, but getting this many frequent headaches is literally a pain. (Yes, I went there.)

I keep vacillating between being ridiculously happy about my life and ridiculously overwhelmed with the process and situation I find myself in currently. Again, I know this is stress, but the roller coaster ride has me feeling like I should either be medicated or taking some other steps to even out the peaks and valleys before I lose my grip on sanity, reality, etc. Quick story – in college, I had surgery & it didn’t go as planned. My recovery was supposed to be 3 days… it took 3 weeks. So, being cooped up in my apartment and unable to attend classes, I started getting a bit depressed. Once I could walk and get around, I went to the health center and talked to the nurse practitioner there. She got the doctor to prescribe me an anti-depressant (can’t remember which one). I started taking it, dutifully, thinking that I clearly needed help. Within 2 days, I became the biggest, baddest, most irritable raging asshole on the planet. By day 4, I went back to the clinic and handed the pills back, sobbing. The NP apologized up and down to me – apparently, if you are only situationally depressed – not clinically depressed where your actual brain chemistry changes – anti-depressants muck up your brain chemistry and turn generally sweet people into walking acid vats. Didn’t know that – found it interesting in hind-sight. Thought it was particularly interesting when it was NOT discussed in my psycho-pharmaceutical course in my Master’s degree.

So, yeah, situationally overstressed … probably requires lots of hot baths and sleep … and packing insane amounts of stuff to get ready to move. Good thing I took tomorrow off work. Long weekend of strenuous packing activity, here I come!

And, for the record, I have an awesome partner. Couldn’t do all this by myself.

Fact: when I am stressed, I am more likely to lose my temper.
Fact: when I lose my temper, I am likely to admit it & own it (sooner or later).
Fact: when I admit it (sooner or later) I am likely to feel badly about some or all of it.

Fact: I am stressed.

So, all you logic lovers out there should be able to piece together MY day today. When classes are over tonight, I shall sleep. I do not, however, wish to replay the recent icky dreams that contained people burning alive in them. That dream was unpleasant and required me to physically wake myself up and walk around before I could get rid of it. No want.

I’d rather feel guilty about losing my temper.

Packing continues in earnest … the bookshelves are slowly losing their inhabitants – they’re moving on to temporary mobile apartments of cardboard. Our front room has become the collection of packed boxes and furniture ready for transport. Our living room looks like a packing bomb exploded. Rolls of tape, magic markers, tape guns, stacks of corrugated boxes, and random stuff everywhere.

The dogs don’t know what to make of it all. As we pack, they wander about at our feet, curious about all the moving and change. I get frustrated after tripping over them after the 5th time, and they take a nice quiet time out in their rooms. I don’t really feel badly about putting them in their rooms, I think it gives them a little sense of security and it definitely saves me a trip to the ER!

I know this process is part of it all but I can honestly say I wish we were through it – done and in our new house already. This part is time-consuming, physically taxing, emotionally exhausting, and expensive! I like getting new paint and floor and furniture but it’s expensive and makes my brain hurt trying to choose it and match it and make decisions about it all. Most of our current furniture won’t survive another move in-tact, so some of it is simply necessity, but that doesn’t make it any less involved or all-encompassing.

Our garbage can is getting quite a workout as well – I’m a fiend, throwing away just about anything and everything that I haven’t touched or used in the past few years. No need to move junk! This is a great opportunity for us to downsize in the “stuff” department – something we’ve badly needed to do for YEARS!

So, maybe this part of the process isn’t so bad, but still – I’ll be glad when it is done!