A lot has been happening in the past few weeks. I hesitate to say “to me” because that puts control of my life outside my grasp.  I’ve had the “opportunity” to gain some insight into other people’s thoughts and perceptions of me.  I say opportunity tongue in cheek because while I’m privvy to their opinion of me (at least in that moment) I was reminded that everyone’s opinion and action is a reflection of their own “stuff” by an email program I signed up for – the first week’s lesson was about curbing gossip and why you shouldn’t take it personally.  (Which, of course, brings me right back to my favorite life lesson book – The Four Agreements.)

So emotionally and mentally, I’m caught up in this bit of drama and trying to sort it out – how I feel, whether or not there is anything I should learn from this lesson (ie: is there any truth in what they said and is it something I should work on), and do other people think the same thing… (insert more drama here).   Then my back starts acting up with a vengeance.  So now I’m in physical pain as well.  And quickly turning into a bitch (sorry Sweetie).

Last night, I’m decked out on the guest bed, propped up with pillows, muscle relaxers have taken away the edge of the pain, and I’m teaching class.  Class was about patterns of thinking, reframing negative patterns, how to focus on a client’s strengths, identifying blind spots, and setting goals.  I like to share with them that, while some people can set a huge goal & achieve it all in one fell swoop – like quitting a habit cold turkey or starting a new one immediately – most of us are gradual creatures that take time – sometimes a lot more time than we would first imagine.  I tell them the story of when I tried to go vegetarian in my Junior year of college and ended up in the ER because my digestive system effectively shut down due to the drastic and immediate change I forced upon it.  They laugh, but they get the picture.

I’ve been working for years on the ideas in the Four Agreements. 

(from toltecspirit.com)

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I try to recognize when my best isn’t as strong – like when I’m in pain or processing something.  I know lately my best has been pretty low and I sometimes haven’t been reaching even that.  But if I can teach my students to be gentle with their clients and themselves – if I can instruct them to focus on the strengths and build clients up – empowering them – then how can I not remember to live it?

I needed last night’s class.  I needed it for me. Some of the students told me how relevant the lesson was for them in their own personal lives and like I remind them so often – if you aren’t seeing the lessons you learn in school manifesting in your personal life first, how can you expect to help manifest them in someone else’s life? Put it into practice before you try to use it on someone else.

I should take my class sometime.

I like to think there aren’t many things that can make me cry. I work with children whose personal stories of trauma and tragedy can make strong people lose faith in humanity. I have personal experiences with multiple losses. I have held the hands of the dying without tears. I have been told I am not the person I was expected to be. And all of this, for the most part, I face dry eyed.

When I was little, I cried regularly. Sometimes for no apparent reason. “I’m just sad” I’d say… “I don’t know why, but I need to cry.”

This week, despite moments of absolute love, I have felt those floodgates being pressed upon by a seemingly random series of events. Little things that add up into a force that has power, like droplets of water that slowly wear a hole in stone.

I don’t know exactly why, but I think I might need to cry soon.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

THE BLIND MEN AND THE ELEPHANT

John Godfrey Saxe’s ( 1816-1887) version of the famous Indian legend,

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approach’d the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
“God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!”

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, -”Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me ’tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!”

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a snake!”

The Fourth reached out his eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
“What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain,” quoth he,
“‘Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!”

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: “E’en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!”

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Then, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a rope!”

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

MORAL.

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!

Source: http://www.noogenesis.com/pineapple/blind_men_elephant.html

I love this story.  When I was a child, I can’t remember when I first heard it, but I remember the impact it made upon me.  It made me realize that every single thing – things that I find simple – can be seen from many different angles and perspectives.

I know we, as people, are far from simple… but every day I am amazed at how different people can view a person from such varied, and sometimes extreme, perspectives. 

I appreciate the opportunity to see myself from other people’s perspectives and see whether or not I agree with their view of me.

I had a realization this morning after my previous post… Why am I fighting against feeling an emotion? Resistance doesn’t work in my benefit.

I’ve been resonating lately with some old familiar objects and ideas of power, and maybe this feeling that is being perceived as anger is really me trying to grapple with my own power…

So I am embracing my power. My anger as it were. And strangely, I don’t feel “angry” anymore.

It seems whenever I am going through a particularly reflective time in my life, a personal growth spurt if you will, I turn to journalling. This has never (and probably will never) be a true “blog” – a well written, topic or article based publication meant to entertain or inform – even when I do write subject based entries, they always end up being personal accounts or musings.

I find myself in a reflective mood this morning, contemplating all that I need to get done to get myself to work and then off to camp for the weekend (and grading – I MUST grade finals!)…. and I keep thinking about the fact that I still get so caught up in the stress of work and the anger of not having control over all aspects of the processes in play.

I’ve always told Sweetie that I have a “dark side” – that I am capable of anger and even violence, and that I work very hard to keep those parts of me in check. I watched them play out with my parents and I’ve done my personal battles – I have no interest in unleashing them. I don’t want to deny those feelings per se, they are part of me and, have on occassion, protected me.  But to get shaking mad over something that, in the grand scheme of things, will be inconsequential in a year (or less) is what I still try to fight.

I never did get back to meditating like I posted about the last time I was here.  I have every intention of doing it, and then I don’t.  I haven’t been to Tai Chi in months – probably closer to a year or more now that I haven’t been in regular practice. My exercise is basically nil, though I am trying to make conscious choices to eat better.  And my stress levels have basically been at defcon red alert over the past 6+ weeks.  I have snippets of relaxation at camp, and other moments during the week, but I ramp back up as soon as the pressure builds and I start focusing on deadlines and goals.

I try taking stock of my gratitudes, looking at the positives, seeing the “problem” from other angles, and yes, they all calm me down eventually.  But how to prevent that switch from flipping in the first place is my dilemma. How do I prevent the trigger from activating that flood of toxic brain chemistry?

And one step further (far in the future) … can I help other people prevent it in themselves?