brokenpurplecrayon

Zen is a blank wall being stared at by a blind man.

See those two pictures? That’s what’s going on with my back. Imagine your spinal disc is a jelly donut … painful ones are squished and the jelly is leaking out. Non-painful ones tend to be whole & the jelly is all inside where it’s supposed to be.  So, we’re aiming for the left side picture.

So what do I get out of this experience? Time with my sweetie, a reminder to stop and let her take care of me, and a focus on gratitude for all that I have.  My sense of humor helps when the pain gets really bad …. when you remember to laugh instead of cry.

So, breathe, love, and laugh – through it all.

Today I am grateful.

I am grateful for:

• My loving partner who has been taking care of me today. 
• My relationship – because it teaches me so much about myself, life, and how to love.
• My body – even though it isn’t working right today, it really is a good body and I’m grateful for it.
• My job and coworkers because they give me opportunities to grow and learn every day.
• On Demand – because I can watch shows that I actually want to watch, when I want to watch them.
• Ice pack, heating pad, TENS unit, pain killers, pillows, blankets, and all the other creature comforts I have been blessed with today.

It’s been a long week. A really long week. Every day was a long day. They weren’t bad days, they were just really long. No matter how many times I have an epiphany about just how little worrying actually benefits me… I still find myself falling into worry over situations I can’t control.  Worse than that, I worry about things that I could easily deal with if I would just let go of my attachment to the outcome.

Everything is OK. Even the stuff that’s not.

Have you ever played with a wooden puzzle cube? There are lots of differently shaped pieces, and if you put them together, in the right order, with the right shapes in the correct positions, you can construct a perfect interlocking cube. Each piece serves its own unique purpose, but if you don’t position them correctly or put them together in the wrong order, it doesn’t work.

Yesterday was the day that I finally had to take all the pieces apart and start over. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen in a measured, controlled, peaceful kind of way. No, it was more along the lines of “I’m so fucking frustrated by this wooden puzzle stupidness that I’m going to throw it across the room in a final fit of rage and cry as the pieces rain down across the floor after smashing against the wall and coming undone.”  Now I’ve got a dent in the wall and shrapnel wounds to deal with that I caused to those who were unfortunately close enough to me when everything fell apart.

Yeah.

But today, I can see all the pieces. I haven’t put them back together – that’s going to take a while – but I’m laying them out neatly and starting over with a sense of calm and hope and purpose.  I wonder if we’ll ever figure out why we sometimes have to fall apart in order to find where we need to be. It seems like such a needless suffering – and it never stays confined to just us – we lash out at others in the process. I never really knew why the saying “Misery loves company” came into being, but after being miserable and causing it … I guess I understand it more (though I wouldn’t say I wanted to cause it – I think it was more of an unconscious drawing of energy - vibrational magnetism if you will).

Today, my family is going to herald the dawn of summer (in Florida, we have 2 seasons – HOT and less hot… we have entered HOT) with the construction of a pool. It was a $30 splurge but it’s going to live under a pop-up shelter with screen panels to protect from debris and bugs and on top of a sturdy camp rug to protect the bottom.   (Think oversized blow up kiddie pool)  I’m going to focus on the wonderful things in my life – because there are so many people and things to be grateful for. I don’t want to waste any more time or energy on feeling insecure. I have too much to offer the world to get caught up in unnecessary emotional drama from my unconsciousness.